Searching for something

After much prayer and some discussion with a few of my closest friends, it was with a sad heart that I emailed my pastor and his wife Monday night to let them know of my intent to step down from teaching and the worship team.

The Lord has been preparing me for something, and I don't know what that something is.  I have inklings of ideas, glimmers of wisdom, bits and pieces of what He has in store for me.  I'm excited at what I've seen so far, inspired by kind words from friends that tell me what an encouragement I have been to them.

There are already so many changes happening in our life right now. Our quest to live healthy, BE healthy, continues and as it does, so do the complications that come with an ever changing family dynamic.  I don't do well with change, and I don't like going somewhere without a map on how to get there.

I'm tired though. I'm tired of being attacked and beaten up. I take 2 steps forward and the enemy pushes me 5 steps back.   I'm tired of the arguments, of the disrespect and rudeness coming from two teen boys that need major attitude adjustments. I'm tired of feeling guilty for voicing thoughts of things that may possibly happen just b/c they don't like it, when I didn't have to ask for the opinions in the first place.  I'm tired of the stress, the chaos all around me. It's weighing me down and I'm starting to feel like I can't function normally anymore. I have no energy, no desire to do the things I need to do.  I know in times like this, I should turn even more to Him, turn to my Bible and to prayer, but even those things require focus and concentration I just can't seem to find this week. And I don't like it.

I hate this. I hate being like this. I hate what it does to me, to my family, to my friends around me. I don't like the person I turn in to, but I feel helpless to fight it off.  I feel weak when I know I shouldn't.  I could post scripture after scripture but I know it wouldn't help right now.  I've given these situations, these circumstances over to Him, yet my spirit remains heavy.   I should feel strong and victorious b/c I know He is right there beside me, or perhaps in front of me, fighting my battles for me, but I don't feel that way.  I should feel strong because these attacks are confirmation that I'm going in the right direction; I'm preparing myself and others in my life for something better.  Except I don't.  I'm facing the unknown; lost in the middle of the woods seeking the road that always remains just out of sight. And I don't like it. But I feel powerless to stop it, powerless to do anything other than let it run its course.

I know this is part of my test. It will strengthen my faith, my trust in Him, and it will help me to go deeper into my relationship. It will make my marriage stronger, my family stronger, myself stronger. It will be a testimony of trials and encouragement to others that will someday hear it.  But I fear that someday is still far off.  And I still don't like it.